Hello....

Well, I've been moping around all day, so I figured I might as well write something.

It's actually been a pretty busy couple of weeks. There's plenty to write about, so I'll just put down whatever comes into my head.

Yesterday was my mum's birthday. She, my sister and I went out for lunch in a shopping centre nearby. There's a restaurant on the ground floor, but oddly enough I've never really noticed it; it's open for lunch and morning/afternoon tea. Maybe it's because at lunch time we're usually at some kind of food court, eating take-away.

Anyway, when we arrived it was packed, which is why we noticed it. We took a look and decided there were quite a few items on the menu that looked interesting - almost too many to choose from! The food turned out to be very tasty - I had an asparagus and corn fritter with smoked salmon, mustard and cream on top, with salad greens. My mum and my sister liked their choices as well, we'll definitely go there again!

We rounded out the afternoon with some window-shopping - my mum bought a couple of nice tops at Country Road for herself. I might have mentioned that I hate shopping, but my sister has good taste, and we didn't spend too long. It was a pretty good way to spend the day.

I was pretty tired at the end of the day, and needed a nap. I'd gone to the fitness club in the morning, walking there and back (25 minutes each way), and then when I went out with my mum and sister, I was wearing slingbacks with two-inch stiletto heels (my first ever pair) and concentrating on standing and sitting straight. My posture is normally pretty bad, I slouch something horrible, so I've been working on it for a couple of months. It still takes some concentration, especially sitting down, but I'm getting there.

The fitness session was pretty good, actually. I have a personal trainer - an expensive luxury, but it's the only way to motivate me to get to the club at the moment. Luckily for me he specialises in posture and core stability, plus he's working with me to improve my stamina. It's really helped - after the first few weeks I really felt like a normal person again. The past couple of days I've needed a nap in the afternoon again, though. Can't go back to work with energy levels this low :(

And today ... I haven't really done anything much. After much nagging Smith to get more exercise, he's decided to go for a walk every morning before his shower. I went with him today, not yesterday as I had to get ready for gym. Went round one of the big blocks here at a decent pace, so we were good and sweaty afterwards. Next week we're going to go round that block twice each morning, and maybe soon we'll be crossing under the train line to the places with the nice gardens.

I had to have a shower afterwards, though. I normally like to shower in the evening, so that I can go to bed clean, and be ready to get dressed when I get out of bed. There was no help for it this morning, though, I felt manky. Maybe I'll have to switch to morning showers like Smith. With the water restrictions in Sydney, I can't do both.

I had breakfast and worked on a small project I'm doing for an hour or two, but after that I had to sleep. And then I had nightmares, to the point where I was moaning when I woke up. I guess there's a few reasons I'm feeling a bit down today, but I wasn't expecting that. Normally I only get nightmares when I'm depressed. Ahh well.

Time to keep myself occupied until Smith gets home. He's not coming back for dinner tonight, they're having a bug-fixing competition at work, and providing dinner! They're giving out some pretty good prizes, too. There's a draw for a $300 voucher for 'non-physical goods' - which I assume means computer games or software. They get points for each bug they fix, and every 10 points gets you a ticket in the draw - Smith had earned himself 55 points last I heard, so he'll get at least 5 tickets. Also, if you find the cause of their most urgent bug, there's a $200 voucher on the line. If any team gets 500 points, they all get to go out to the movies. Finally, there's an ipod touch for whoever impresses the boss the most. It all sounds pretty cool. Smith's great at finding and fixing bugs, so I think he'll get a prize! But I have to have dinner by myself.

Hmm, time to take a short break, and then maybe I'll write down all the things that have been bugging me.

Cya!

the angel Jean

Of course, there is one thought I've been having all evening...

... this is the first night since we were married (just over a year ago) that I will spend without my Smith. Of course, my memory for events isn't that good but I've been thinking, and I'm pretty sure this is the first.
Which makes me sad, of course.
...

Smith's paternal grandmother died on Saturday. She was buried today in Mudgee, which is a few hours out west of here. Of course his family on that side attended. I would have been there too, but I had a medical appointment in town that had been very hard to organise. :( As it was, the family - his mother, brother, my soon-to-be-sister-in-law (sister for short!) - booked a hotel room in Mudgee overnight, as plans were to discuss the will after the funeral. So he's not coming home tonight :( I wish I could have gone with him.

Smith's grandmother was 92. When I spoke to him about her a couple of nights ago, he had some memories of her ... mostly from when he was younger. But she has suffered from dementia, and for the past couple of years she has been in a nursing home close to where Smith's mother lives. She gradually but severely declined, and it has been a while since she recognised Smith's mother when she visits. Part of the tragedy is that her eldest son (Smith's father) did not outlive her, but was taken from us five years ago. The rest of it is her dementia, which meant that for the past couple of years she has had a very poor quality of life as she gradually stopped remembering, stopped speaking and finally seemed to stop being aware of people around her.

Well, when I think about all that, I'm all sad. But for various reasons, I'm not crying. I haven't seen any of her family cry about it, although I wasn't there today. When Smith and I talked about it, we thought that the funeral would probably be more of a remembrance than a huge mourning. Even though I have probably only met her once, I have to say that my feelings are mostly of relief that she is at peace ... dementia is a horrible illness. Those closer to her may disagree.
...

As I write this, I realise how easy it is to hijack your own blog. I came here wanting to write about Smith and me, because I've always wanted somewhere to say how happy I am with him. And to tell you all how badly I've done without him tonight. But the above is stuff I've been thinking about for several days, and I guess I've had more time to put it into words.

Well, before I finally go to bed like a good girl, I'll try and say some of it.

Today, my dad drove me to the appointment. I spent the half a day with him - we bought fruit and on a whim we both had haircuts. (Different ones). But I always knew that I'd have to spend the rest of the day alone, and take care of myself.

I got home in the early afternoon, with plans to eat lunch, wash my newly-cut hair, finish my Christmas cards, cook myself a dinner, and sleep early. What I have managed to do is to get stuck on Meg Kelso's blog (I swear! It's addictive!), eat biscuits with cream cheese dip, two pieces of chocolate, a pear, a slice of watermelon, two slices of toast and a slice of smoked salmon (not in that order), wash my hair, and forget to drink water. In fact, I'm just realising that the lack of water is giving me a headache and I won't be able to sleep just yet. Time for a drink and a headache tablet, back soon.

Forgot the tablet, back I go. :P

Okay, well, this is despite Smith calling three times today. He even rang to tell me to have dinner, I told him I'd make a sausage sandwich, there's plenty of food in the house. The man loves me, he wants to make sure I do what's good for me, when I can't do that he'll even cook pasta and sauce! I love him too but there are times I wonder how I deserve him. Ahh, well, all I can do is appreciate him to his fullest and try my hardest to be worthy.

Yes, I have an excuse - diagnosed depression. Don't worry, I don't have anywhere near as poor a self-esteem as the sentence above might make it sound, he's just so good. But I do suffer from low energy levels and poor motivation. And I'm actually amazingly better in the last month than I have been in the past. Anyway, all that, coupled with a tendency to procrastination/poor initiative, means that I tend to be unreliable about things that are designed to be good for me. Such as eating, keeping well-hydrated, sleeping, and achieving things that I really want to do.

I'm actually debating going and making food now. I might be able to cook and eat before the headache goes away so I can sleep. But I have a visitor tomorrow morning (he's available the one morning Smith's out of town, drat that) ... hmm.

Food wins.

If anyone ever reads this, you take care of yourself too! I'm off to do that.
Jean