Friday, 21 December 2007

Of course, there is one thought I've been having all evening...

... this is the first night since we were married (just over a year ago) that I will spend without my Smith. Of course, my memory for events isn't that good but I've been thinking, and I'm pretty sure this is the first.
Which makes me sad, of course.

Smith's paternal grandmother died on Saturday. She was buried today in Mudgee, which is a few hours out west of here. Of course his family on that side attended. I would have been there too, but I had a medical appointment in town that had been very hard to organise. :( As it was, the family - his mother, brother, my soon-to-be-sister-in-law (sister for short!) - booked a hotel room in Mudgee overnight, as plans were to discuss the will after the funeral. So he's not coming home tonight :( I wish I could have gone with him.

Smith's grandmother was 92. When I spoke to him about her a couple of nights ago, he had some memories of her ... mostly from when he was younger. But she has suffered from dementia, and for the past couple of years she has been in a nursing home close to where Smith's mother lives. She gradually but severely declined, and it has been a while since she recognised Smith's mother when she visits. Part of the tragedy is that her eldest son (Smith's father) did not outlive her, but was taken from us five years ago. The rest of it is her dementia, which meant that for the past couple of years she has had a very poor quality of life as she gradually stopped remembering, stopped speaking and finally seemed to stop being aware of people around her.

Well, when I think about all that, I'm all sad. But for various reasons, I'm not crying. I haven't seen any of her family cry about it, although I wasn't there today. When Smith and I talked about it, we thought that the funeral would probably be more of a remembrance than a huge mourning. Even though I have probably only met her once, I have to say that my feelings are mostly of relief that she is at peace ... dementia is a horrible illness. Those closer to her may disagree.

As I write this, I realise how easy it is to hijack your own blog. I came here wanting to write about Smith and me, because I've always wanted somewhere to say how happy I am with him. And to tell you all how badly I've done without him tonight. But the above is stuff I've been thinking about for several days, and I guess I've had more time to put it into words.

Well, before I finally go to bed like a good girl, I'll try and say some of it.

Today, my dad drove me to the appointment. I spent the half a day with him - we bought fruit and on a whim we both had haircuts. (Different ones). But I always knew that I'd have to spend the rest of the day alone, and take care of myself.

I got home in the early afternoon, with plans to eat lunch, wash my newly-cut hair, finish my Christmas cards, cook myself a dinner, and sleep early. What I have managed to do is to get stuck on Meg Kelso's blog (I swear! It's addictive!), eat biscuits with cream cheese dip, two pieces of chocolate, a pear, a slice of watermelon, two slices of toast and a slice of smoked salmon (not in that order), wash my hair, and forget to drink water. In fact, I'm just realising that the lack of water is giving me a headache and I won't be able to sleep just yet. Time for a drink and a headache tablet, back soon.

Forgot the tablet, back I go. :P

Okay, well, this is despite Smith calling three times today. He even rang to tell me to have dinner, I told him I'd make a sausage sandwich, there's plenty of food in the house. The man loves me, he wants to make sure I do what's good for me, when I can't do that he'll even cook pasta and sauce! I love him too but there are times I wonder how I deserve him. Ahh, well, all I can do is appreciate him to his fullest and try my hardest to be worthy.

Yes, I have an excuse - diagnosed depression. Don't worry, I don't have anywhere near as poor a self-esteem as the sentence above might make it sound, he's just so good. But I do suffer from low energy levels and poor motivation. And I'm actually amazingly better in the last month than I have been in the past. Anyway, all that, coupled with a tendency to procrastination/poor initiative, means that I tend to be unreliable about things that are designed to be good for me. Such as eating, keeping well-hydrated, sleeping, and achieving things that I really want to do.

I'm actually debating going and making food now. I might be able to cook and eat before the headache goes away so I can sleep. But I have a visitor tomorrow morning (he's available the one morning Smith's out of town, drat that) ... hmm.

Food wins.

If anyone ever reads this, you take care of yourself too! I'm off to do that.

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the angel Jean