Dreams...

I wrote about last night's dreams in the xkcd forums in the 'What were your dreams last night?' thread.

http://forums.xkcd.com/viewtopic.php?p=485897#p485897

Off to have more dreams!

Random things...

That new post I started in the xkcd forums, the one about argument styles, seems to be getting a bit of action. I'm not a very good arguer myself, tending to avoid arguments and simply give explanations and listen to other people's reasons, but it's interesting discussing the theory. Of course, there has been a little bit of sparring going on, especially between two of them (who have been sparring elsewhere). Reading it this morning made me a little frustrated, as I knew they would never agree, and it wasn't helping me understand what was going on. I ended up asking for clarification and going out.

Smith doesn't seem to be on MSN today; neither does the other guy at his work who I'm in contact with. Wonder what's going on there. Anyway, I normally tell Smith what I've been doing during the day, because it's lonely here and I like him to know if I've been achieving things, or if I need pushing (he's good at pushing when I ask him to). I might just write it here instead, along with all the other stuff I've been meaning to write.

Today Smith and I went for our walk twice around the block. I set the pace, and I didn't go too hard. Was quite nice outside, cool and overcast with a small breeze. We mused on various inconsequential things as we walked. Was fun. When we came back we had a shower, and breakfast, and Smith left for work.

I did manage to do one household chore today: I finished filling the dishwasher and put it on. We now have dishes for tonight. Don't know what I want in terms of food, though.

After reading the forums for a while, and getting frustrated at the arguments there, I figured it was time to take a break. It was 11.30 by then, and I figured it was time to set off for yoga class at the fitness club - the first I'd been to there.

Yoga class was interesting. Putting your body through lots of positions, with interesting names for some of them, and trying to figure out what to do by watching everybody else. I seem to have developed some stability and strength over the past couple of months of training - in my lower body rather than my upper body, my upper arms in particular are still quite weak. Anyway, for me a lot of the positions just required some concentration, even though I'd never done them before.

My general impression was a feeling that my body had been worked. No spiritual aspect (I didn't even get the calm, my mind was still analysing at the end when we were resting), no particular strengthening exercises, nothing focused like I get with my trainer, no aerobic work. Not that much repetition either, so no real chance to practise anything. Just an overall stretch-every-muscle/work-every-muscle at least once. I was so thirsty at the end of it, though, from breathing hard. There hadn't been a break. I guess I might go again for the exercise, although I don't really see much point other than that.

Afterwards I headed for the hospital, and ate the cafeteria lunch they have there. It's reasonable stuff - I've eaten a lot worse when it comes to hospital food. Good, clean textures and tastes, the right amount of salt etc, even though it's pretty simple food. Today it was ricotta cannelloni with choice of vegetables (I got peas, pumpkin and mash). And, since I had made it out of the house and gone to yoga class AND eaten lunch, I treated myself to a Weis bar. (Ice cream!)

I really should eat lunch every day, it's just hard to get the motivation to make it. When I'm working, I always get lunch from the cafeteria - it's only $6.50 for staff, and there's *just* enough variety during the week to keep it interesting. There's also choice each day, but I stay away from the 'broiled meat in gravy' tray (today's was lamb) or the 'miscellaneous in curry' tray, and I prefer cooked vegies to chips. (The chips there are okay, though.) At home, I have a generally poorer diet. If I'm really hungry and motivated enough, I might make myself some raisin toast, or a sandwich if there's normal bread in the house (rare), but that's not often.

I did one more thing today while I was out - I informed the admin lady at my work about my improving health status and the Medical Board's decision to continue my registration as-is. (More on that later.) I've been trying to get ahold of her for ages, whenever I call she's busy, and she never has time to see me. Yesterday when I called up, I got put straight through to her! And she told me she didn't have a term for me yet, and she asked me to tell her what the Medical Board had said, to show her their report - and I realised I hadn't told her any of what had been happening so I promised her an email. Today at hospital I handed her the report to photocopy, and then I wrote her an email with all the details about my health, how I'm ready to go back to work and feeling so much better now. (She didn't have time for an actual meeting - it's Orientation Week for some of the staff so she's probably frantic.) And she told me I looked well. :) *crosses fingers* maybe I can go back to work soon!

When I left it was raining lightly, and then it started raining more heavily. And my umbrella was back at home, sitting in the bath! Luckily, I had a towel with me, because I thought I might need it in yoga class (you need a towel in Pilates class, apparently. And I often get sweat pouring off me in my training sessions). So I hid under my towel on the way to the train station, and on the way from the train back home. It's funny, as I left the house this morning I was carrying it over my arm, thinking 'Hey, Douglas Adams! Look, I've got my towel with me!' Hehe. Now all I have to do is wait for it to grow mould that Smith and I can use as sustenance if we ever have to evacuate Earth in a hurry. :P

Anyway, that's my day so far. I think that after all that, I deserve a nap! Besides which, Smith's probably already left work by now.

Oh, before I go, here's another thing I wrote on the xkcd forums, encouraging a young programmer who dreads the idea of corporate life, and is thinking about fulfilling careers (like medicine). http://forums.xkcd.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=17155

Enjoy!

the angel Jean

Before I sleep...

I will shamelessly link a thread I have started in the xkcd forums, where I have been having an interesting discussion.

http://forums.xkcd.com/viewtopic.php?f=8&t=17195&start=0&st=0&sk=t&sd=a

I'm going to the gym at 7am tomorrow, though, so I'll sleep now!

the angel Jean

I've been debating...

whether I should shamelessly re-post my own writing from other areas. Specifically comments I've made in response to forum posts. But I've decided that it's okay, because linking stuff you find interesting is legitimate blogging, right? So here's some of what I've written on xkcd forums in the last couple of days. And besides, after I copy it here, I might have more to say.

Some beautiful pictures of lacelike paper snowflakes constructed by somebody called miles01110 (link to profile is behind their name there.)


I found them in a thread on xkcd forums, which can be found at http://forums.xkcd.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=16981
The post in the xkcd forums shows the construction for the second one I've shown here, and the pictures are much better - go look!

I've been wanting to know how to make curves interact like that for a while, as I'm trying to design lace of my own ... miles01110 makes it look so simple, you just touch the curves to each other. Now I'll have to go and try it myself.

I also posted to a couple of other places in the xkcd forums, but I think I'll dedicate them posts of their own. But if anyone reading this is a nerd, a geek or into science, language or romance, go read xkcd. And the forums.

the angel Jean

Opportunities and creating them

Hiya all!

In between writing these posts, I read Meg's reply to something I wrote. She comments that it's not as hard as you think to write ... and of course she's right. But then, writing isn't really a problem. For me, deciding what to write is. I'm still working through old material at the moment, stuff that I've been thinking about for months or even years, but have never written down. Maybe I'll run out of that in a few months, and then all I'll have to do is think some more.

But I do like to organise my thoughts a LOT before I write them. I always had that problem in English class, I couldn't write more than two pages in 40 minutes to save my life because I liked to spend five minutes thinking first and then take another minute every so often. (My teacher couldn't work it out, so she watched me during an exam once and told me I was doing that.)

Even the order I organise them into probably wouldn't be obvious to anyone else. I'm a sucker for narrative, and everything is a story. So it goes: 'This is why I thought of this issue, this is what I thought, and this is what I thought about next, and I do have an agenda (I always do) so here is my conclusion.' It probably backfires cos you won't see the conclusion until you read to the end :P

Well, here's the next story.

The Ultimate Victim
When I was starting to roleplay Jean, I had to think of a background for my imaginary character. I had to explain why she was alone, and besides she wasn't good at what she did, so I decided her family had simply made fun of her for her chosen profession. So she left, and here she was.

Well, I'm a sucker for narrative so I went around the net and read other people's stories. And one in particular (by someone I know) struck me.

Whatever bad things you can think of, they had happened to this character before you meet her. She was one of twins who had been orphaned. They were born vampires (imaginary, remember). Their foster parents were not only horrible, but sadistic and pedophiles and ... everything. They had killed her twin in some horrible ritual. And it goes on.

I can only imagine what a really good roleplayer would make of this character who had seen it all, but by the looks of things ... it was just going to produce a character who was the ultimate victim. I have to say I've seen a lot of the victim mentality on the internet, both in people's imaginary characters and in their conversation about their real lives, but this was the most over-the-top I've seen. And this was a few years ago, before I'd even heard of 'emo'.

Am I a victim?
Well. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with depression. One day in 2002 I was reading the New Scientist on the way home, and something had happened in India. When I got home, I just cried and cried. I couldn't eat. My dad asked me if I'd fought with Smith, and if I hadn't been crying so hard I would have laughed. (We never fight.) Whatever it was that had happened in India, it had really got me going. And it stayed like that for the next few months. I would watch the news and cry. I would also get bombarded with paranoid thoughts about my safety.

Of course, eventually I saw a psychiatrist. And he asked me if there had been any major trauma or stress in my life. Well, I thought long and hard. The worst I could come up with was that Smith's father had finally succumbed to a year-long illness, a few months before. We weren't close, but he had welcomed me into his family and I'm still sorry he didn't live to see us marry. And of course I had been deeply traumatised by the events of September 11 the year before. But it's not like I was there, or had a family member killed. I wasn't even in the same country, and now it was more than half a year later.

I had major depression with what was diagnosed as a biochemical cause. My body was saying 'Okay, you will be anxious and sad and paranoid, NOW.' Like a good girl, I took the medicine (my psychiatrist didn't think counselling was appropriate, because we couldn't find anything to talk about) and the overblown emotions went away. But I lost a few months of my life and failed a major project, and when I tried to rationalise it to myself ... I was embarrassed.

I was embarrassed because I've had a very good life. There simply was no justification for the sorrow I felt. I felt guilty because there are people who have suffered major trauma in their lives, and people who have to deal with it on an ongoing basis, and I felt they deserved treatment a lot more than I did. When it comes down to it, when I think about my life, I simply have to be thankful, and I didn't see why I wasn't just enjoying it.

Well, that was five years ago. For the past year I have again needed medical treatment, but for exhaustion rather than excessive emotion. And then, seven weeks ago I started an exercise program, and started feeling radically better. I truly feel like a normal person for the first time in years. And then I started to write my Christmas cards.

And my Christmas thought was - In my life, I have had every possible opportunity available to me. I have to be grateful and wish the same on others.

I was born to parents who loved each other and me. I had a little sister to love and to be an example for. My father cared enough about me to bring me up and teach me anything he could. My mother cared enough to stay home and take care of us until we were school age. (Not that I believe all parents should take these particular roles, these were just the ones they chose.)

I went to primary school and highschool and university. Most of the teachers encouraged me to learn everything I could. I even had a job waiting when I finished my last degree.

I have had the special opportunity to learn anything I ever wanted to learn, whenever I wanted it. You can't say that of many people. When I told my mum at 5 that I wanted to learn the violin, I got violin lessons. (Of course the next week when I told her I wanted to learn the flute, she said 'Err, I thought it was the violin.' I learnt the violin.) When my teachers found I was able to read, they gave me the opportunity to learn something else. I have had opportunities for learning that nobody else has had. And countless teachers and academics have given me second chances when I didn't perform my best.

I was born into a peaceful and safe society where people could respect each other. I was born in a city where nature areas are respected and preserved and enjoyed. I was born in a suburb where we had access to public services such as health care, libraries and fresh food, all nearby.

I have a husband who loves me, and if need be will take care of me when I'm down. Although I won't gloat too much about that. I know he's a rare species.

Okay, so I don't have a million dollars to my name. So what? Millions of people in the world cannot identify with any of the opportunities I've had. So many go without. Of course this is the true agenda of my post. Those of us who have chances truly have to think of those who have not.

That was my reasoning when I made my most important Christmas wish. May you all have the opportunities that have been available to me. But more importantly, may you all find it in you to create opportunities for others.

Everyone finds their own way to contribute. Smith and I both have jobs so we can afford to have more than one. But a few weeks ago, I followed a link to www.freerice.com, and there I found a way that is free, and available to anyone who has internet access. That means you.

It's a vocabulary game. You guess which of four meanings belongs to a particular word, and if you get it right, they donate rice through the UN. Not hard, and they have different levels that automatically adjust depending how many you get right. For people like me who have a love of words, it's a lot of fun.

Anyone who reads this will have to try and forgive me for being such an agenda-driven girl. I love to tell stories but at the end I have a point and this is it. I guess that's part of why I started a blog. But as I saw on the internet somewhere, 'You read it, you can't un-read it now!'

Now go and play freerice. :P

the angel Jean

What do I feel like writing about?

Well, Meg Kelso's blog (also at blogspot) inspired me to start a blog of my own. I've been reading it obsessively since I discovered it on Tuesday, and I'm only five months in :P But it seems to be full of intelligent, articulate people discussing interesting topics. Here it is: it's currently titled Enjoying someone else.

I can't aspire to that level of discussion just yet. If I were just to start writing about myself, the blog would be pretty boring for at least a few months, mainly because I like to go into detail. So this is probably going to be just a place to write what I am thinking about. Which means that there will be a huge range of disparate topics.

Hope one of them appeals to you!